A Stepmother told me her husband’s ex-wife told the children not to listen to anything she says —even
something as simple as ‘Remember to brush your teeth.’” she feels
that her marriage suffered as a result of that divisive tactic.
Stepfamilies face unique and often challenging relationships with those outside their household. Most stepparents must deal with the child’s other parent when it comes
to such issues as visitation, discipline, and financial support. Friends
and relatives too may struggle to adapt to new family members.
RELATIONSHIP 1: THE CHILD’S OTHER PARENT
Relationship with the child’s other parent can become a
tough, divisive issue for a stepfamily. Often, it is the mother and the
stepmother who have the most difficulty. What can help?
A key to success: Set reasonable boundaries. If you try to shut out the other parent altogether, your child might suffer emotionally. A child’s parents, the ones who ‘caused his birth,’ have a unique place in his life.
On the other hand, if you give a former spouse too much influence in
your household, you can frustrate or even anger your new mate. Strive
for balance, setting reasonable boundaries to protect your marriage,
while remaining cooperative with the other parent to the extent
possible.
TIPS FOR PARENTS
- When you speak with your former spouse, focus on your children and minimize discussion about other matters. For example, you might tactfully ask if it is possible to schedule a regular time for phone calls during the day. That usually works better than phone calls at random times or late at night.
- If you do not have custody of your children, perhaps you can use phone calls, letters, text messages, or e-mail to maintain regular contact. Some even use videoconferencing. You may gain more insight into your children
—and provide a more positive influence— than you may think is even possible.
TIPS FOR STEPMOTHERS
- Show “fellow feeling” to the children’s mother by making it clear that you are not trying to replace her. Provide updates when her children are with you, focusing mostly on the good. Ask for her advice, and thank her when she offers it.
- Limit displays of affection with the children in their mother’s presence.
TIPS TO HELP PARENTS AND STEPPARENTS GET ALONG
- Politeness and respect go a long way
- Never speak badly about an absent parent or stepparent within earshot of the children. It is easy to lapse into such negative talk, but it is very distressing to a child. And you never know how or when your words may be repeated. If a child says that the other parent or stepparent bad-mouthed you, focus on the child’s feelings. You might say something along these lines: “I am sorry you had to hear that. Your Mom is mad at me, and sometimes when people are angry, they say things that aren’t kind.”
- Try to have consistent rules and discipline in the two households. If this is not possible, explain the differences without demeaning the other parent. Consider the following scenario:Stepmother: Tim, please hang up your wet towel.Tim: At Mom’s house, we leave them on the floor and she hangs them up.Stepmother (angrily): Well, she is just teaching you to be lazy.Would this response be better?Stepmother (calmly): Oh, OK. Here we hang them up ourselves.
- Avoid scheduling activities for your children during the time that they will spend with the other parent. If you cannot adjust the activity, get permission from the other parent before telling the children what you have planned.
TRY THIS: Follow these steps the next time you meet your mate’s former spouse or the spouse of your former mate:
- Make eye contact and smile. Avoid sighing, drooping your shoulders, or rolling your eyes.
- Greet the person by name. For example, say, “Hello, Jane.”
- Include the person in the conversation if you are in a group.Next, I will be writing on;