THE CHALLENGE
When
you and your spouse argue, you often bring up the past, rehashing a list of old
grievances that should have been settled long ago. The problem? One or both of
you may not know how to forgive.
You can learn. First, though, let’s see why a husband and
wife may find it so difficult to forgive each other.
WHY IT HAPPENS
Power. Some husbands and wives withhold
forgiveness to maintain a sort of power over their spouse. Then, when a
conflict arises, they use a past event as a trump card to gain the upper hand.
Resentment. The scars of a past offense can
take a long time to heal. A spouse might say ‘I forgive you’ but still
harbor resentment for what happened
Disappointment. Some people enter marriage
fully believing that life will be like a fairy-tale romance. So when a
disagreement arises, they dig in their heels, wondering just how their “perfect
match” could possibly see things from a different point of view. Unrealistic
expectations can make a person more prone to find fault and less inclined to
forgive.
Misunderstanding. Many spouses withhold
forgiveness because they misunderstand what extending it will mean. For
example:
If I forgive, I am minimizing the wrong.
If I forgive, I have to forget what happened.
If I forgive, I am inviting further mistreatment.
Really, forgiving does not imply any of the
foregoing. Still, extending forgiveness can be difficult
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Understand what forgiveness involves. At
times the word “forgive” means “let go.” So forgiveness does not always require
that you forget what happened or minimize the wrong. Sometimes it means that
you simply need to let go of a matter, for your own well-being and that of your
relationship.
Recognize the consequences of not forgiving. Some
experts say that holding on to resentment can put you at greater risk for a
wide range of physical and emotional problems, including depression and high
blood pressure
Recognize the benefits of forgiving. Forgiveness
allows you to give the other person benefit of the doubt rather than to “keep
score” of wrongs. That, in turn, helps you to create an environment that keeps
resentment in check and allows love to grow.
Be realistic. It is easier to be forgiving
when you accept someone’s for who he or she is, flaws and all. Remember, no one
is perfect
Be reasonable. The next time you are
offended by something that your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, colleague,
etc said or did, ask yourself: ‘Is the situation really that important? Do I
need to demand an apology, or can I just overlook what happened and move on?’
If necessary, discuss the matter. Calmly
explain what offended you and why it made you feel that way. Do not impute bad
motives or make dogmatic statements, since these will only put the offender on
the defensive. Instead, simply relate how your spouse’s actions affected you.
WHEN YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE
If you have hurt anyone in some way, sincerely apologize. Even if you do not
agree with their view of the matter, you can ask forgiveness for what you have
done that resulted in hurt feelings. If you work hard to avoid repeating the
same mistake, you will give your spouse, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend,
confidence that your apology was genuine.