Help in Relationships..... How to Forgive

THE CHALLENGE

When you and your spouse argue, you often bring up the past, rehashing a list of old grievances that should have been settled long ago. The problem? One or both of you may not know how to forgive.

You can learn. First, though, let’s see why a husband and wife may find it so difficult to forgive each other.

WHY IT HAPPENS

Power. Some husbands and wives withhold forgiveness to maintain a sort of power over their spouse. Then, when a conflict arises, they use a past event as a trump card to gain the upper hand.

Resentment. The scars of a past offense can take a long time to heal. A spouse might say ‘I forgive you’ but still harbor resentment for what happened—perhaps craving to get even.

Disappointment. Some people enter marriage fully believing that life will be like a fairy-tale romance. So when a disagreement arises, they dig in their heels, wondering just how their “perfect match” could possibly see things from a different point of view. Unrealistic expectations can make a person more prone to find fault and less inclined to forgive.

Misunderstanding. Many spouses withhold forgiveness because they misunderstand what extending it will mean. For example:

If I forgive, I am minimizing the wrong.

If I forgive, I have to forget what happened.

If I forgive, I am inviting further mistreatment.

Really, forgiving does not imply any of the foregoing. Still, extending forgiveness can be difficult —especially in a close relationship.

 WHAT YOU CAN DO

Understand what forgiveness involves. At times the word “forgive” means “let go.” So forgiveness does not always require that you forget what happened or minimize the wrong. Sometimes it means that you simply need to let go of a matter, for your own well-being and that of your relationship.

Recognize the consequences of not forgiving. Some experts say that holding on to resentment can put you at greater risk for a wide range of physical and emotional problems, including depression and high blood pressure—not to mention the damage it does to your marriage or as the case may be. 

Recognize the benefits of forgiving. Forgiveness allows you to give the other person benefit of the doubt rather than to “keep score” of wrongs. That, in turn, helps you to create an environment that keeps resentment in check and allows love to grow.

Be realistic. It is easier to be forgiving when you accept someone’s for who he or she is, flaws and all. Remember, no one is perfect—including you and I.

Be reasonable. The next time you are offended by something that your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, colleague, etc said or did, ask yourself: ‘Is the situation really that important? Do I need to demand an apology, or can I just overlook what happened and move on?’

If necessary, discuss the matter. Calmly explain what offended you and why it made you feel that way. Do not impute bad motives or make dogmatic statements, since these will only put the offender on the defensive. Instead, simply relate how your spouse’s actions affected you.

WHEN YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE

If you have hurt anyone in some way, sincerely apologize. Even if you do not agree with their view of the matter, you can ask forgiveness for what you have done that resulted in hurt feelings. If you work hard to avoid repeating the same mistake, you will give your spouse, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, confidence that your apology was genuine.