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How to Avoid Hurtful Speech


THE CHALLENGE

Each time a conflict arises, you and the other person unleash a torrent of criticism at each other. Hurtful speech has become so common around us that it is now our “normal” style of communication.

If this is happening in your marriage, school, work, etc, you can stop the pattern. First, though, you need to consider the causes and why it is in your best interests to make changes.

WHY IT HAPPENS

Family background. Many people were raised in homes where hurtful speech was common. You may be repeating the type of language you heard from your parents.

Influence of entertainment. Film and television comedies turn rude speech into a laughing matter, leaving the viewer with the impression that it is harmless—or even funny.

Culture. Some societies teach that “real men” are domineering or that women need to be fiercely aggressive so as not to appear weak. During a conflict, you may view the other as adversaries and use words that hurt rather than heal.

Regardless of the cause, hurtful speech can result in a lasting damage. Some even say that words can hit harder than fists. 

What can you do if you and a colleague, roommate, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend etc have let hurtful speech erode your relationship?

 WHAT YOU CAN DO

Show empathy. Put yourself in the other person's position, and try to understand how your words make him or her feel. If possible, think of a specific circumstance in which you felt that your speech was hurtful. 

Observe respectful people. If negative role models have influenced your manner of communicating, look for good examples. I'm sure you can find one or two. 

Revive the feelings you once shared (If you share intimate relationship). Hurtful speech is more often a problem of the heart than of the mouth. So strive to nurture positive thoughts and feelings about others.

Use “I” statements. Rather than verbally attack, express your concerns from the standpoint of how you are affected. For example,  if its your spouse, you can say “I feel slighted when you make plans without consulting me first” is much more likely to elicit a positive response than “That is just like you—always making plans without consulting me!” 

Know when to stop. If tempers are beginning to flare and speech is getting out of hand, it might be best to postpone the discussion. 

Remember, "Hurtful speech is more often a problem of the heart than of the mouth."

 

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