How to Be a Good Listener

 

THE CHALLENGE

“You’re not listening to me!” is a phrase you often hear. ‘But I was,’ you tell yourself. Evidently, though, what you heard is different from what was said. As a result, another argument erupts.

You can avoid these conflicts. Why you might miss important details in what a person is saying—even though you think that you are listening.

You are distracted, tired, or both.
The television is blaring, and you are thinking about a problem you had at work. 

You make assumptions. This has been called a damaging form of “mind reading.” You assume that there is a hidden message behind the words you are hearing, in fact you may be reading too much into the situation. For example, suppose your friend says: “You’ve spent a lot of extra time at work this week.” Interpreting this as criticism, you say: “It’s not my fault! I have to work extra hours to meet up the bills.”

Whatever the cause of the problem, how can you become a better listener?

Give your complete attention.  When a person has something important to say, but are you ready to listen? Your mind may be on other things just now. If so, do not pretend to listen. If possible, put aside what you are doing and give your full attention, or perhaps you could ask politely ask to wait until you are able to do so.

Agree to speak one at a time (Especially when resolving differences). When it is your turn to listen, resist the urge to interrupt or disagree. You will get your turn to speak. For now, just listen.

Ask questions. This will make you better able to understand what is been said.

Listen for the message, not just the words. Note what is conveyed by body language, eye movement, and tone of voice. “That’s fine” might really mean “That’s not fine”—depending on how it is said. “You never offer to help me” might really mean “I feel I’m not important to you.” Try to get the real message, even if it is not spoken. Otherwise, you may end up debating over what was said instead of focusing on what was meant.

Keep listening. Do not tune out or walk away, even if what you are hearing displeases you. 

Be sincerely interested. When you have genuine interest in what is been said, listening becomes less forced and more natural.