Take definite steps to protect our children from sexual
molestation. It is not wise to leave things to chance and just hope that
nothing will happen.
The
First Line of Defense
The first line of defense is to avoid situations that leave our
children vulnerable. For example, parents are advised to be careful about using
as baby-sitters young adults who seem to prefer being with children rather than
with folks their own age.
Children doubling up (in
beds or rooms) with adults or teenagers, and large family gatherings where the
grown-ups get involved in enjoying themselves
and just assume that the older children are taking care of the young ones. The
truth is, the more we can keep our children under our own supervision, the less
opportunity molesters will have to get at them.
However, parents cannot
always keep such a close watch on their children. Working parents may have no
choice but to use day-care facilities or to leave their children with relatives
or baby-sitters. Children have to go to school, and parents cannot always be
with them. Relatives and friends come to visit. And then there are the
neighbors! How can we protect our children when they are so vulnerable?
Talk
to Your Child About the Danger
It’s foolish to pretend to children that dangers do not exist.
Children are aware of their vulnerability and are naturally concerned about
their own safety. It’s part of a parent’s job to give them the tools to deal
with danger realistically. If presented honestly and positively such
information will not threaten children, it will reassure them. Yes, we have to
talk to them about it.
This is easy to say but not so easy to do, especially since the
greatest danger is from friends and relatives. We may already have warned our
children against the stranger who wants to lure them into quiet places or carry
them away in a car. But how can we give them “the tools” to protect themselves
from ones they know, respect, and even love?
Follow
Their Instincts
Keep the lines of communication open at all times is very
important. Children usually have a natural sense of what is fit and proper. We
have to reinforce this instinct, tell them that they should obey it even if an
adult tells them differently. A simple and determined “No, I don’t want you to
do that!” is often enough to deter a molester.
How Can
We Tell Them?
First, we have to bring the subject up. One suggestion is that
if ever a scandal is reported in the news, parents could use it as an
opportunity to ask their children: “Did anyone ever do anything like that to
you?” and then go on to tell them how to act if anyone tries to. And we should
make sure they understand that if something like that does happen to them, we
want to know about it. We will not get angry with them if they tell us. Tell
them “If anyone touches you in the wrong place, tell me.” How would they know
where the wrong places are? When bathing them or getting them ready for bed,
point out the parts of their body that other people should not touch. As they
get a little older, you can present situations: “Nobody should touch you there,
even if it is a schoolteacher or a policeman. Not even Mummy or Daddy should
touch you there. And a doctor should only touch you there if Mummy or Daddy is
with you!”
“If anyone touches you in
the wrong place, tell me”
As we warn our children
against going off with strangers, playing in a busy street, and putting their
hands on electric wires, it is also very important we tell them how to avoid
molestation. Explain the boundaries on their bodies that others, even their own
parents should not transgress. Clearly state that if something does happen, you want to know about it. And will not
blame the children.
The
“What if . . . ?” Game
Sometimes adults will use
their greater experience and intelligence to deceive children into joining them
in some inappropriate activity, and children may not spot the deception without
help. “What if . . . ?” game. From time to time, ask the
children what they would do in certain situations: “What if the baby sitter
said that you could stay up late watching television? If you got in the bathtub
with him and played games? What would you tell him?” “What if someone you knew
took you for a ride and wanted to put his hands where he should not? What would
you do?” “What would you do if an older friend touched you in a way you did not
like, or wanted to undress you and play a secret game with you?”
In teaching the child how to answer, parents can show that there
are occasions when they can say no to an adult. There are also occasions when
they should reveal secrets. If they are trained to say things like “I will just
go and ask Mummy first,” they will be able to discourage most potential
molesters. If the child learns the right answers in the “What
if . . . ?” game, the child is gaining some good tools to
protect him or herself. If the child gives a wrong answer, well, go back over
the question and suggest a different answer.
Give
Them the Words
Experiences have also shown another problem that children face
in the matter of molestation. They try to tell their parents about it but could
not find the right words to explain what had happened. Because of this, parents
are advise to tell their children the right names for parts of their bodies.
Give them the vocabulary to express themselves in case the worst happens.
Tell
children the right names for the parts of their body
Alert
but Balanced
One of a parent’s worst
nightmares is that their child might be sexually molested. However, we need to
remember that most adults are not going to
molest our children. Most of our relatives love them and would be as concerned
as we are to protect them from abuse.
On the other hand,
it can happen. And merely hoping that it will not happen
is not enough. Hence, it is wise to be cautious. If we avoid, to the extent
possible, putting our children in situations that leave them vulnerable, if we
explain to them the boundaries that even adults are not to cross, and if we
teach them how to react in case any adult should try to cross those boundaries,
then we are doing a lot to protect our children from the molester.
If the Worst Should Happen
No parent can give a child complete protection against sexual
molestation, although taking sensible precautions will enormously reduce the
possibility that anything will happen. However, if parents have established
good family communication, it may be that children will talk about it in the
event that the worst should happen. Sometimes, though, children are so shocked
by or ashamed of the experience that they will not discuss it. Hence, parents
need to be alert. Here are some signs that researchers say may show that
something has happened.
Be suspicious of any changes in the normal routine. Watch
for any telling signs in children such as declining grades or extreme anxiety
around a specific adult.
Pay attention to physical symptoms, such as headaches, vomiting
or loss of appetite, and difficulty in sleeping. Genital complaints, such as
soreness, are particularly important. Be aware of precocious sexuality in
language, dress, or behavior. Be on the lookout for sudden changes in behavior
that might indicate a problem. If a child becomes unusually withdrawn or shows
an inclination to avoid one member of the family, a warning bell should sound.
We also have to listen for the oblique messages that our children send us. The
statement, “I don’t like that math teacher any more” may be the child’s way of
trying to broach this difficult subject.
If
parents see anything like this in their child, they should try to find out what
is wrong. The child has a problem, and it may be a problem of molestation. If
so, the child needs help. Unfortunately, many children do not get that help.
Molested children have been accused of inventing the incident, although
researchers assure us that children rarely, if ever, invent such things. Incest
has been covered up so as not to break up the family.
However,
if molestation and especially incest is discovered to have occurred, two
things must be done immediately:
First, the child and other children too must be
protected from any further abuse. This must be done, whatever the cost. In many
cases the accused molester will have to be confronted. But whatever it takes,
it is important that the child should feel confident that the molester will
never be able to get at her (or him) again.
Second, the child must be given a lot of love and
emotional support. Parents must make it very clear that the little victim is
not to blame. The crime and anything that happens as a result of it, even if a
close relative goes to prison is not her (or his) fault. Reassurance will have
to be given many times, so that the victim comes to believe it and to
believe that the parents believe it too!
