THE CHALLENGE
Your teenager says you are too strict. Your instincts tell you
otherwise. ‘If I relax the rules,’ you say to yourself, ‘he will just get into
trouble!’
You can set reasonable
rules for your teenager. First, though, you need to understand what might be
causing him to chafe against the rules in the first place.
WHY IT HAPPENS
Myth: All teenagers rebel against rules; it’s an unavoidable
part of adolescence.
Fact: A teenager is less likely to rebel when parents set
reasonable rules and discuss them with him.
Although a number of factors may be involved in rebellion,
parents may unwittingly encourage it if their rules are inflexible or no longer
age appropriate. Consider the following:
·
Inflexible. When parents lay down the law and there is no room for
discussion, rules become more like a straitjacket that stifles the teen rather
than a seat belt that protects him. As a result, he may secretly engage in the
very acts that his parents forbid.
·
No longer age appropriate.“Because I
said so” may be enough explanation for a young child, but adolescents need more, they need reasons. After all, in
the near future, your teenager may be living on his own and making weighty
decisions. It’s far better that he learn to reason well and make good decisions
now, while he’s still under your supervision.
But what can you do if your teenager constantly seems to be
irritated by your rules?
WHAT YOU CAN DO
First, realize that
teenagers need and deep down
even want boundaries. So set rules, and make sure your teenager understands them. When
adolescents are given clear boundaries and expect a reasonable amount of
parental supervision, they are less likely to engage in worrisome behaviors. In
contrast, uninvolved parents who grant their teenagers too much freedom give
the impression that they do not care. And that is a recipe for rebellion.
How, then, can you show
balance? Let your teenager express himself
about family rules. For example, if he asks for an adjustment to his curfew, listen to him as he presents his case. A teenager
who knows that he has been fully heard is more likely to respect and comply
with the decision you make even if he does not agree with it.
.
Before making a decision,
though, remember this: While teenagers tend to ask for more freedom than they
should have, parents may tend to grant less freedom than they could. So give serious consideration to your teenager’s request. Has he
demonstrated that he is responsible? Do the circumstances warrant a concession?
Be willing to bend when appropriate.
Besides listening to your
teenager’s feelings, make sure that you let your teenager know your concerns as
well. By doing so, you may teach him to consider not only his wishes but also
the feelings of others.
Finally, make a decision and explain your reasons for it. Even if
he is not thrilled with the decision, likely he is glad to have parents who
will hear him out. Remember, an adolescent is an adult in training. By setting
reasonable rules and discussing them with your teenager, you will help him grow
to become a responsible adult.
Shout out to all parents!