Since mutual trust is vital to marital
happiness, victims of adultery have the option to decide whether to divorce or
not.
If you
and your mate are striving to save your marriage after as great a setback as
adultery, you obviously face a difficult challenge. The first several months
after the news is broken may be especially trying. But you can succeed! How can
you rebuild trust?
1 Be Honest With Each Other.
You need to speak openly and honestly with
each other. At first, you and your mate may be too upset to discuss the
infidelity. Eventually, though, you will need to talk candidly about what
happened. You may choose not to discuss every detail, but avoiding the subject itself is not wise.
Without a doubt, any discussion about the betrayal will be painful but know
that those honest discussions can draw you closer.
How can
you take some of the strain out of such discussions? Remember that your primary
purpose is, not to punish your partner, but to learn from the tragedy and to
strengthen your marriage.
TRY THIS: If you are the unfaithful mate, refrain
from making excuses or blaming your spouse. Take responsibility for your
actions and the hurt you caused. If you are the injured mate, do not scream at
your spouse or use abusive language. By avoiding such speech, you will
encourage your spouse to continue talking openly to you.
2 Work as a Team.
Two are better than one, Why? If one of them
should fall, the other can raise his partner up. This is especially true when
you are working hard to rebuild trust. Together, you and your mate can make a
stand against the mistrust that has infected your relationship. However, you both need to
be committed to saving the marriage. If you try to cope individually, you may
be setting yourself up for more problems. You need to view each other as
partners.
TRY THIS: Together, resolve to work as a team to
restore trust in your marriage.
3 Replace Old Habits With New.
Obviously, you need to break off contact
with the other party in the adultery. If you
are the guilty mate, you may also need to make changes to your personality. For
example, you may have a flirtatious manner, or you may enjoy fantasizing about
romantic relationships with other people. If so, strip off the old personality
with its practices. Replace former habits with new ones that will strengthen
your mate’s confidence in you. Has your upbringing made it difficult for you to
express affection? Even if it feels awkward at first, be generous in your
expressions of love and reassurance to your spouse. For a time, you would do
well to be completely open about your daily activities. Also, add to your
routine some activities that you can enjoy together.
TRY THIS: Ask each other what actions are likely to
help rebuild trust. List them, and then put them into practice.
4 Know When to Move On.
If you
are the betrayed mate, allow yourself time to forgive fully. Forgiveness and
trust are likely to come gradually.
At first, you may feel that isolating
yourself emotionally from your spouse is the safest course. However, doing so
indefinitely will not help you to rebuild trust in your mate. To heal the
breach, forgive your mate and express that forgiveness by sharing your intimate
thoughts and feelings with your spouse. Also encourage your mate to share his
or her joys and concerns.
Do not nurture bitterness. Work to overcome
it. Instead of giving constant attention to merely saving your marriage, you
can focus together on other goals. Even so, schedule regular periods of time to
evaluate your progress. Do not become complacent. Deal with minor setbacks, and
confirm your commitment to each other.
TRY THIS: Instead
of trying to get your marriage back to the way it was, think of yourselves as
building a new and stronger relationship.
