THE CHALLENGE
You and your spouse have different preferences on something. Realistically, you have at least three options:
- You could stubbornly insist until you get your way.
- You could passively surrender to your spouse’s wishes.
- Both of you could compromise.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
Compromise requires teamwork. Before
marriage, you might have been accustomed to making unilateral
decisions. Now things have changed, and both you and your spouse must
put your marriage above your personal preferences. Rather than think of
that as a drawback, consider the advantage. The ideas of two people
combined can lead to a solution that is better than what each one could
come up with alone.
Compromise requires an open mind. You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be honestly open to considering his
or her position. If you
find yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or
just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem with
you, your discussion will never get anywhere.
Compromise requires self-sacrifice. No
one enjoys living with a spouse who believes it’s either my way or the
highway. It is far better when both partners have a self-sacrificing
disposition.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Start right. The
tone in which a discussion begins is often the tone in which it ends. If
you start with harsh words, the chances of reaching a peaceful
compromise are slim.
Search for common ground. If
your attempts at compromise only escalate into heated arguments, it may
be that you and your spouse are focusing too much on where your views differ. Instead, pinpoint where they agree. To help you find common ground, try this:
Each of you make a two-column
list. In the first column, write down which aspects of the issue you
feel most strongly about. In the second column, list the aspects on
which you feel that you could compromise. Then discuss your lists
together. You might find that the aspects that you both feel strongest
about are not really all that incompatible. If so, compromise should not
be too difficult. Even if they are incompatible, having all aspects of the matter on paper will help you and your spouse to see the issue more clearly.
Brainstorm. Some
issues may be relatively easy to settle. With more complex issues,
however, a husband and wife can strengthen their bond by brainstorming a
solution that perhaps neither of them would have come up with alone.
Be willing to adjust your view. When love and respect flow freely, both spouses are willing to consider the other’s viewpoint—and even be swayed. There are things you would rather not do but—thanks to the influence of your spouse—you later come to love.
