THE CHALLENGE
You discover that your teenager has been intentionally injuring herself. ‘What does this mean?’ you wonder. ‘Is my daughter trying to kill herself?’
Most likely the answer is no. Nevertheless, if your teenager self-injures,
she needs help. How can you provide it? First, consider what could be behind her troubling behavior.
WHY IT HAPPENS
Is self-injury just a fad? Admittedly, some young people start to self-injure because they have heard that others do it. Even when that is the case, this is not a typical fad. What makes it different? The self-injurer usually acts in secret and is deeply ashamed of her habit, thus hiding scars very well.
Is self-injury simply a means to get attention? Some might use it that way. But the self-injurers we are discussing tend to hide their practice and are not trying to use their cuts or bruises to impress anyone.
Why, then, do people self-injure? The causes of self-injury are complex, but underneath it all the young person usually feels emotional pain that is difficult to express in words. One mental health expert describes the self-injurer as “someone who has found that physical pain can be a cure for emotional pain.”
The self-injurer usually feels emotional pain that is difficult to express in words
What if you blame yourself? Rather than dwell on the possible role of faulty parenting in your teenager’s self-injury, focus on the role of goodparenting in her recovery.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Encourage your teenager to talk to you about what is troubling her. The following tips can help.
Console. If your teenager reveals to you that she self-injures, try not to react with shock or horror. Instead, speak in a calm and consoling manner.
Ask nonthreatening questions. You could say: “I know you don’t always feel good about yourself. What frustrates you the most?” or “What can I do to help you when you feel anxious or depressed?” or “What do you most need from me in order for us to bridge the gap between us?” Listen to his/her replies without interrupting.
Help your teenager to see herself in a balanced light. Since self-injurers often focus on their failings, perhaps you can encourage your teenager to recognize her positive traits. You might even suggest that she write down at least three things that she likes about herself.
