THE CHALLENGE
Expressions of appreciation are essential to a successful marriage. Many husbands and wives, however, stop noticing their partner’s good traits, much less expressing appreciation for them. One counselor observes that many couples who see him “are much more concerned with what is not happening [in their marriage] than with what is. They’re in my office to tell me what needs to change, not what needs to stay the same. The mistake every one of these couples makes is that they fail to show love through appreciation.”
How can you and your spouse avoid that pitfall?
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
Expressions of appreciation can offset marital stress. When a husband and wife make an effort to notice and acknowledge each other’s good qualities, their relationship typically improves. Even severe tension can be alleviated when spouses feel appreciated by each other.
For wives. Many women tend to overlook the incredible pressure there is on men to provide for their families. In some societies, that pressure may even exist in dual-income families.
For husbands. Men often underestimate a wife’s efforts to support the household, whether through working, raising children, or homemaking.
When a spouse feels taken for granted, it can threaten the very integrity of a marriage.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Be observant. During the coming week, notice positive traits that your spouse displays. Also, watch for things that he or she does to keep your household running smoothly—things that perhaps until now you have taken for granted. At the end of the week, make a list of (1) traits that you appreciate in your spouse and (2) things that he or she did for the benefit of your family.
Why is being observant necessary? After you’ve been married for a few years, you can start to take your spouse for granted. You stop noticing the good things he does and tend to focus more on what he isn’t doing.
Ask yourself: ‘Do I take my spouse’s hard work for granted?’ For example, if your husband fixes things around the house, do you hold back from thanking him because you feel that it is his duty to take care of such chores? If you are a husband, do you feel that your wife’s efforts in child-rearing do not merit commendation because she is simply doing what is expected of her? Make it a goal to notice and be grateful for all the efforts—both large and small—that your spouse makes for the benefit of your family.
Give praise generously. Try to get into the habit of thanking your spouse.
Husbands and wives who express appreciation for each other strengthen their relationship.